“So, how’s married life?”
Honestly, to me, this question equates to something that you or I don’t have enough time on this spinning rock to unpack. If I had to try and answer this question I feel I would never be able to right now as I am just merely walking through the door to this once in a lifetime rollercoaster ride. What I can tell you though, is YES, marriage changes EVERYTHING and my biggest learning thus far has been around vulnerability and honesty.
For a long time, I felt, and still do feel, that the societal constructs of what we expect a “marriage” to be is severely flawed and dated. It’s like the template we use for marriage is a square one, and that the two people that come together don’t fit through this square hole, but we spend our whole life trying to forcefully jam them in there until they start warping and breaking away like soap being squeezed through a mold. Somehow people still hold on to the fact that it works for some people and some people “get it right”. That sounds like a blind lottery game to me. Where is the custom-made relationship in this? Where is the potential for challenging each other’s paradigm and leveling up? Maybe it’s time to chuck this old mold away, it’s clear that it works for fewer people with our divorce rate to show for this.
I sometimes find that I make more sense to myself and others around me when I draw pictures. And so, here is my visual explanation on how I see the expectations around marriage.
It would be foolish to think that there is no “marriage contract” or agreement between people in a union, there certainly should be as consent and trust are some of the cornerstones in a marriage. What I am saying is that I feel most of the angst around marriage comes from not allowing the Marriage Contract to adjust and mold with the people involved. We get so set in our ways and how “marriage should be” that we stop ourselves from an entire world of discovery and growth. Imagine what each individual entering into the marriage has to share and has to teach.
Where exactly do we get our ideals or templates for what we think a marriage should be? Well, from our parents, grandparents, movies, books, religions, life stories, etc. How can we ever know what a marriage should or should’nt be when each and every person who enetrs into one is different, new and ever changing?
Yes, some things we bring into marriage we could certainly do without and those get consciously left behind, but what about parts that we cut off that we don’t want to let go of? What about the parts we cut off that seem to be gone but are instead festering in the dark and damp vault of shame only to crawl out years later to show their face and wreak havoc? It’s important I think to continuously shift, change and re-asses what both parties want in their marriage in order to prevent anything going into the territory of secrecy and shame. If there is always open communication, awareness, and understanding, there will always be light shed in all corners.
You have found a person who loves you for who you are and vice versa. If you cannot open your heart and your thoughts and your fears to this person, who can you open up to? Ignoring what’s in your heart won’t make it go away, it simply puts it into the dark.
That all being said, I would like to share what I feel a great marriage would look like, one that I am working hard with my husband, teammate and best friend, to create.
Disclaimer: This is not a 1 size fits all marriage contract. The whole fun part about being married is that we have a lifetime to figure out what our shape looks like for us, aside from what other people expect or understand and this is what makes marriage sacred. So, buckle up, get involved, get dirty, keep and open mind and be ready to GROW.
Mr & Mrs Vögeli